And then it hit me. The feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. Either shock wore off or reality finally set in and I realized, I need to face truth.

When someone dies, you have to get to a place where you accept the reality that they're just not coming back. The same applies to  things or circumstances, there's got to be acceptance.

Sometimes what dies is your point of view, your view on something or your view of someone else. Sometimes, it all happens in the same day. But truth however, never dies.

The one thing I've learned about death, is that there's life after it for me. So everytime something dies I must keep on living. I must keep on trusting God and still say " please fogive me for all of my sins" . I know I'm so flawed, but because of your everlasting love- I will not fear.

Lord help me to be a christian that accepts your plan. Let your will be done in my life as I pursue you and die daily to myself. Go ahead of me and straighten out the crooked path, so I can proclaim your goodness toward me in this life.
Thanks for your love, amen.


My reward:
It just doesnt make any sense
That I am rewarded after being forgiven
And I know sometimes I'm so distorted
But every moment that passed it could have been my last
Still your mercy is new again to me
And I feel so rewarded and it's for nothing that I've ever done....

Sometimes  you're hurting but  still understand that you're winning, no matter how bad it hurts.

When dealing with deep sorrow, I need to be reminded of who is in control. When you feel like you've heard something a thousand times sometimes it's worth escapes you. But, wash your ears out if you have to because God is very much in control.

I've asked God to help me deal with the heaviness of a bruise in my heart that I've been dealing with. Thankfully,  I am reminded regularly that no matter how difficult it is to stand, or how much it feels like a loss, according to God's word-we win.

When I look and see and feel like I'm so confused, have lost so much- and is sorrowful-I can tell myself
                                                                                          " cheer up, girl"
Basically no matter how I look at it I'm a winner- because God is very much awake.
He who redeems me does not slumber, nor does he sleep.
As long as he is driving the car, I'm crossing the line and arriving at the winning destination.

As I was planning my first concert for last year, a good friend asked me what does " God of love" mean to me? I responded with the email below:

From: T Lisa 
To       : ****

"God of love" sometimes people think that God is cruel,  or mean, or not real. ..because if there really was a God- why would he allow certain things to happen?

The theme God of love means that the ultimate motive behind what God does, is everlasting, unfailing, unchanging love. He is One who loves us regardless of the circumstances or how they may appear. It's difficult to wrap your mind around it, because life doesn't work that way and  no one else is like him.

 Unearned affection? Most of the time you  have to do sometime to get something in return. God loves us so much, we didn't do anything to get it- he just gave. Even when God is chastening us or allows suffering, its because he loves us and he has a point to the pain. In blessings, he shows his fatherly love. Think about  parents who want their children to feel loved and they give them good things, they want their kids to know they're loved. ....but if that same child puts their hand in on the stove - the parent may reflexively push their hand away, or even allow them to get burned, so they would learn that that stuff hurts...THAT'S LOVE TOO!

Sometimes  we think when God allows pain and sadness it's because he has abandoned us or He doesn't love us anymore. Sometimes we think he has forgotten about us, but that is not the case because that would be mean, but God IS love. He's simply a God of love.  Love  through our trials and love  in our tribulations, love  in our sorrow, and love in our victories.  Love when you're up and love when we're down. We can't really fathom this kind of love because it's way past our HUMANNESS, and we 're definitely not God. But we were made in his image to love,  be loved and show love, but most of all- to receive His love. 

John 3 16- God showed us his ultimate love  for us  when he sent his son Jesus as a gift, by allowing him to go to the cross for our sins. God loved the children of Israel- he loved them when they were slaves in Egypt and struggling under harsh treatment. He also loved them when they were in the wilderness and went through a period of long waiting for his promise to go to the special land, God loved Mary when she got caught in the very act of adultery, and he forgave her.

God loved David when he was a little boy and and being anointed to be king, and he loved him after He had an affair with the woman Bathsheba. She got pregnant and the child died and David went through a time of repentance. God loved him even then, before and after the repentance.

God loved Abraham while he was holding his son Issac as a sacrifice and was about  the kill him. He was loving him even when he was testing his faith.  God loved Saul when he was walking in Damascus and persecuting the people of God. Because he was killing Christians- God could have zapped him, but instead he took away his sight and reveled himself  to him and even gave him a new name!

While I was dealing with a broken heart and I would try to understand the purpose or reason for what seemed like torture, he loved me.  Also, when I turned my back on him for my own pleasure. He loved me when my bones were broken, and I was suffering and screaming. 

God is the very essence of love, so He can't be cruel. He is just love, so much so-  that even when he brings blessings  or allows hardship- it's all  driven by love

I think on when I was sure I fell deeply in love, yet it didn't last. I became so baffled at the thought of being with someone other than the man who stole my heart, that it sickened me. I thought to myself  " man-he's ruined me. My heart is committed."

Well, when I think of Jesus dying  on the cross and taking the stripes, bruising and piercings for me-he basically wanted to make sure I'd  be ruined for all others. His heart was and is still committed to me, his love has been poured out for me.

His goal was to ruin my heart for others, to secure my salvation and place in eternity with him. His actions would ensure I can be his and find all others disqualified to have me totally, the same way that guy did.

Singing: all other gods are the works of men. You are the most high God, there is none like you.

My God of love, I will trust you..For I have been beautifully ruined.

Have you ever been completely blank, spent or unable to focus?
Have you ever felt yourself in a space where your mind is disconnected, drifting or just  unable to focus?

Time and time again I've experienced moments of discouragement, heartbreak, loneliness and defeat and what I am learning, in a whole new way is how to move forward and be determined to focus!

When I was in high school, I repeatedly heard my pastor speak on topics like " When the bottom falls out" and others with themes like "Overcoming Giants" . I didn't  quite understand how many obstacles people face-but I'm sure glad those messages are lodged in my memory.

Its unbelievable the issues that face us. Sometimes we put ourselves there, other times it's all just a surprise.  There's so many problems, the struggles in life I feel can be so great, but God is able to deliver me!

He is my only source, my only hope, my only help. He will make me focused even while walking through a dark valley.

I have to believe, so I'll keep on believing and wait or his mighty hand to move.

💝Believe with me

Sometimes I don’t even know what is good for me. See, many times I’ve prayed because of a need I had or a deep desire I was feeling. But now I know, I can no longer pray that way. I must always pray “according to His will”. That’s God’s perfect will that is profoundly listed in his word and also persistently presented to us by his Spirit.

By no means am I “good like that” and just really able to let go of what I want. In fact, I’m quite the opposite, very stubborn and know how to hold onto something for dear life especially if “I just really love it”. I am certainly not the girl who has it all together, but I’m learning that another way of “laying down my life” is in the way I pray.

What I’m trying to say is, that God knows and understands my needs way more than I do. I remember at 13 years old, I laid eyes on this:  Psalms 34 vs 10 says: The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Sometimes I experience intense times of suffering because I feel like I’m lacking something. Not to minimize the reality of how I’m feeling or the sincerity of what is happening in my heart- but he understands my needs and truly see what they are. I need to know that as long as I seek him I am not lacking anything that is good. He brings the right things at the right times, regardless of how things may seem. So in times or waiting and wanting, seek him.

Here’s my verse for today: Ps 34 vs 10

The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

Either I’m going to believe that or I’m not. Either the Bible is true or it’s not. That’s a decision I must make….and I choose to believe it.